There’s a way people have nowadays of stylishly hiding their roots and acting as if they don’t even recognise their mother tongue. To those of you who think whitewashing your cultural identity is cool and classy, let me tell you that the cracks show through the best of acts as there is no way to cover up this caramel skin and be a pretty white girl who seems to fit perfectly into the teen culture of London.
I don’t know if it was the insecure immigrant in me or one of the weird stages of adolescence that hated it when my parents used to speak Hindi in public. I think it was mainly because my dad used to and still does speak at an embarrassingly loud volume and my mum refused to accept the fact that this is not India and she can’t bargain with the customer assistant when it comes to paying the final bill! In one of our monthly visits to Tesco, the only place in which we could find turmeric powder at the time, I remember crossing paths with a few girls from my school. In such moments I wished for the floor to open up and swallow me, because my parents even breathing was humiliating and I just didn’t want to be seen in World foods aisle buying ten bottles of Maggi sauce!
I think the most annoying thing about growing up as an Indian kid in a foreign country is trying to manage the dual personalities. I could never find the balance between being British enough and eating with a knife and fork gracefully or being Indian enough, knowing very well that without using my hands mutton and rice simply doesn’t taste the same. It’s not as if I left that Indian side of me and stopped watching Yeh Jawaani hai deewani whenever life felt mundane, I just didn’t want anyone to know I preferred Bollywood over any Hollywood blockbuster.
I was constantly at war with myself through my teenage years, so I found myself in many insecure places and being very ungrateful for all colours that so beautifully existed in my life. I was the reason for my confusion and I had created such a complicated maze for myself that I didn’t even realise when my two personalities faded into one. It wasn’t an exact moment that I started to love being different but I know I began to pick out the little things I had gotten into the habit of doing. Why did I feel the need to straighten my hair? Why did I always post pictures of burgers and not of the steaming butter chicken that arrived at my table on a meal out? It took time to realise I had nothing to fear and falling for the way I looked in emerald salwar suits was okay; there was no need to be ashamed. My hair could be free from all the forceful straightening and it was finally okay to let the puzzle pieces find each other and complete me.
The knots I’d self tied held me captive in my gori-desi ladki saga and it’s the feeling of shame that now reminds me I really thought I could shy away from the roots that run like veins through my body. I’ve learnt there doesn’t need to be an ideal balance when it comes to displaying who I am and what I stand for, there does however need to be a representation of all things that make me the way I am today. A proud representation of my Bihari quirks combined with that Delhi flare I carry around, because I value those things just as much as I value my British intellect. Nothing about you can be erased. You’re stuck with the memories that have latched themselves onto frames around your house, ‘aaah that’s home’ your parents say and damn it, you’re stuck with that gorgeous glow your skin tone emits when the golden hour visits. I guess it all just depends on how you see it. Are you stuck or uniquely blessed?
This is brilliant! Amazing imagery and storytelling
This means a lot..thank you!!
I love this so much
This is gonna be amazing, I’m so proud :’)
Thank you so so much! I’m so glad you like it 🙂
Love this!! So proud of you girl… can’t wait for the next post xxx
Thank you my queen, you are the best! The next post is coming soon 😉
Wonderful writing Diya. Love the narration. Keep it up.
Thank you very much!!
Wonderful writing, Diya. You have every reason to be proud of the authentic you… keep writing please!!
I’ve had an awesome mentor you see..thank you!!
Superb Diya.. well written.. waiting for you posts . Good luck.
Love
Sudha Aunty..
Thank you so much, I’m so happy to be in contact with you again!
Wow, that’s a fantastic write up Diya. Do keep writing.
I will definitely keep writing! Thank you 🙂
All of this is so true – it’s so unfiltered i love it!
You know I have to keep it real! Glad you enjoyed this one 😀
Wonderful writing.. U put up ur thoughts nicely.. Keep writing
Thank you so very much!
Real excerpt from lives of most of the teens…..just loved it!!
It is a pleasure to know you could relate and that you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out my other posts too!
Excellent narrative. Diya is growing in right direction. Frankness is exemplary.
You are too kind. Thank you 😀
Really good writing Diya – the earlier one becomes comfortable with who one is (in one’s own skin as it were) – the sooner one start to really enjoy life. Some take a lifetime for what you’ve done so young. Brilliant
You couldn’t have said it any better! I am gushing over your words, thank you!
Beautiful narrative Diya . I can almost imagine being in your shoes and going through the indecisiveness that you have gone through. Having said that , your sunny personality obscures all your inner conflict of cultures . You are a fine example of a perfect blend that these two cultures created !
I am lost for words because your praise and understanding have my heart melting! Thank you for the love.
What an honest and inspiring piece of writing, it takes courage to be honest about your own feeling and articulate it in so good manner. Kudos to you, always be what you are, good wishes. This is Avinash (Dipak bhai batchmate from IIFM)
My Dad always talks about you and I am over the moon about you liking this piece. Thank you very much indeed.
Very beautifully expressed Diya
Keep it up
Looking forward to some more of your writings
All the best
Thank you!! Thank you!! Please keep reading 🙂
That’s an honest and bindaas piece, which many would have similarly gone through. Multi-cultural envelope should be seen as a strength, and nothing to be defensive about. Keep writing.
It is most definitely a strength and not something I should defend! I really appreciate your feedback, thank you.
Beautifully expressed….
I appreciate your comment, thank you.
Eloquently written Diya. Keep rocking!
I am very grateful for your feedback…thanks!
Truly admire your writing…really amazing..keep it up..
You are so lovely, thank you!!
Great piece of writing!
Thank you very much!